O_O I had teh strangest dream last night.....

Okay, I was Shinji and Gendo and I were down in Terminal Dogma or whatever, that one place were Lillith is. Anyhoo, so, we're down there and there's like, this bridge across what is supposed to be LCL but is instead, flames. So I guess it's hell or somthing. And Gendo is there to punish Shinji or whatever. Yeah. Well, I was kinda flailing around because I didn't want to get punished, so I find somthing and I grab on to it. But it turns out to be somthing I shouden't of grabed because I might give Gendo the wrong idea. O.o; And I did. So he starts molesting me and shit.

Then I'm like in the Geofront or somthing, waiting in line around this mountain or somthing and Rose from FMA is in front of me. She tells me she knows what Gendo and I are doing (He had done it again after the Terminal Dogma incident) and I get pissed and ask "How do you know?" and she says, "Well, I saw you and Gendo in this pizza place and I know Gendo never goes to a pizza place, so I figure he's molesting you." She nods.

So I ask, "Does anyone else know?" and she replies. "Ed" and I'm like "Shit! GET OUT OF MY GEOFRONT" So she leaves with Ed (I think in my dream they're lovers because of that stupid music video) in tears.

So, I'm in this bible camp in the Geofront on a bunk bed thinking about how much I liked what Gendo did to me. O_O Which is fucked because, you have to remember, I'm Shinji.

And then this guy comes into my room with a fucking huge green horse and I was worried if Gendo came he would start doing it in front of all these people. Then I woke up.

O_O

It was strange though, because after that, I started to sympathies with Gendo more. I remember, in the End of Evangelion, when Rei betrayed him and his version of Instrumentality failed, he just laid on the floor, clutching the arm that Rei had stole the hand from. And he started talking about how he was so afraid of people and how he didn't think anyone could love him. You have to understand, the whole reason he instigated Third Impact was to see his wife, Yui again. He really loved her so much, and he changed dramaticaly when she died. Fuyutsuki thought that Gendo was just using Yui for his own ends but, Yui was the one person who really tried to understand Gendo. That's why Gendo is so enamored toward Rei. Because he sees his wife in her.

It's rather ironic, he died because Unit-01 bit off his head. But supossedly, Yui's soul resides there, within Unit-01. So.... She must have killed him because of what Gendo did to her son, Shinji. But, before Gendo dies, he states. "Forgive me... Shinji...." He was so afraid of Shinji. He was afraid his only son would reject him. That's probably why he created Rei. Rei is someone who only does what she is told. And therefore, if she is told not to leave, she won't. And that brings Gendo security. Of course, later on she does leave and betrays Gendo.

There is a song called "Hallelujah" written by Leonard Cohen but redone by Jeff Buckly. It's all about love gone sour or lost love.

That is the definition of Gendo's life. Lost love.

There is one thing that I love most of all in Evangelion. It is that everyone there is broken. Not bent.

I chose Shinji because I can relate to him. He has a fear of people and a fear of unintentionally hurting people. He is scarred by the death of his mother and the abcense of his father. He therefore fears rejection in people. He hates himself for everything he is.

Auf weidersehen.

My pillow has recieved alot of abuse these past few days. It's either wet, or being screamed into.

I got so frustrated with myself on Friday and Saturday, partially 'cause I felt so sick with cramps and moodswings. Bleh.

On Saterday  Sarah's friend, Katlyn came over and Sarah preceded to make me a fool in front of her. It really sucked. I cried so hard, because I felt so left out in my family. It doesn't really seem like there's any love between Sarah and I. She's so condecending.

I can't say I'm much of a sweatheart either. Especailly to Thomas.

I got so afraid yesterday. Just of people, 'cause, everything's been going so good in my relationships that I was so afraid I would screw something up. Ah well.

I'm a little better now. I needed to bitch there for a moment.

Anyways! I found the best source of information ever on the internet. ^^; Wikipedia.com. I looked up Neon Genesis Evangelion, and found out all sorts of intresting things, like, what kind of phycological disorders Shinji suffers from and all that. It's really quite fantastic.^^;

Aaaaand, I sorta found out why Shinji strangled Asuka. O.o; I know I told Kuyo it was because Asuka rejected Shinji, but.... I started thinking about it, and it prompted me to search for it.

Remember, there are two times when Shinji strangles Asuka. Once in his own mind and another time on the beach after Third Impact.


The sequance is one of the most hotly debated in Eva circles all over the world. Until now there was no definitive answer to the mystery. However, this may be the absolute answer, held within the Eva Carddass Masters Trading Card Game.

The following presents the definitive answer to this question;
 Part II (movies)
Drama card D-88
Title: "Kimochi warui"
Small print: "Shinji renounced the world where all hearts had melted into one and accepted each other unconditionally. His desire... to live with 'others' -- other hearts that would sometimes reject him, even deny him. That is why the first thing he did after coming to his senses was to place his hands around Asuka's neck. To feel the existence of an 'other'. To confirm (make sure of) rejection and denial."

The scene is meant to be an affirmation of Shinji's decision to return to reality. As I wrote on the Evangelion ML, the scene is there to prove "pain once again exists". However, I didn't give Shinji enough credit for his intention when he strangled her. I thought it was a carry over from the previous strangulation scene, when it was actually meant as a test to see if he was indeed back in the real world.

This is a part of the process of Complementation. There are several indications of this.

First of all, the scene itself is very surreal and does not feel right as a memory. It does not logically fit in the Evangelion timeline (it would probably have occurred somewhere between episodes 23 and 24). Shinji is not nearly desperate enough during this time to strangle Asuka, and I seriously doubt Asuka would stand there idely and she suffocated. Further, the cut of the spilled coffee pot is inserted into the Director's Cut of episode 24 (before the episode begins) but is used in a completely different context (Asuka's realization to Kaji is not coming back).

In the scene Asuka says, "You're afraid of Misato and the First... " which mirrors exactly what Shinji said in The End of Evangelion: Air, "I... I'm scared of both Misato and Ayanami..." before he masturbates to her comatose body. All signs point to this sequence being an expression of Shinji's frustration with Asuka, and also his feelings of guilt for what he did. Moments earlier Asuka's (or perhaps more specifically, the Asuka in Shinji's mind) confronts Shinji saying, "Idiot! I 'know' about your jerk-off fantasies of me. Do it again like usual... I'll even stand here and watch."

Auf Weidersehen.

Que te pasa Kuyo?

I wish she'd get ON I need to discuss somfing with her.

But she's not on.... And Miya's away.....

So.....

And here I am, writing a pointless journal entry while I lay in wait....

Yes, judging from the title of this post, I wish I had my mother.

Oh wait, I'm talkin' to Miya now. ^_^ So, I'll be okay for a while.

Oh! Oh! I guess the color of her shoes right! ^____^! That was an important achievment. -nod-

Hey... Hey guess what? I'm fucking failing art! ^_^! Wow!

ANYWHOO!

Miya-chan guess right. ^_^ I ish proud of her.

Yay. Well, I shall leif you for now. Bai! ^_^

Yes, well..... I haff things for you... The reader of this post.... It's um.... It's good AMV's.... At least in my opinion.... At least..... Be warned however, most of these are Neon Genesis Evangelion oreinteded... So.... Yeah.... O.o;

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Angst! -dramatic pose-

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Sorry I had to do that. ^_^;

Anywho! Here we go. ^_^


Title: Tsumibito no Kashou
Anime: Full Metal Alchemist
Song: Protege Moi - Placebo
Description: O_O;;;; -drool-
Grade: A
Link: Tsumibito no Kashou

Title:Engel
Anime: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Song: Engel - Rammstein
Description: It's a humorus character profile of the Second Child, Asuka. The video and the creator are quite famous on the site. Oh, uh, be warned.... Frontal nudity and violence. O.o;
Grade: A
Link: Engel

Title: The Fallen
Anime: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Song: Suite-Pee - System of a Down
Description: This video is not for the squemish. You have been warned. -nod- It's End of Evangelion in a nutshell. Don't watch it in front of your parents. <.< >.>;
Grade: A-
Link: The Fallen

Title: Greed vs. Envy
Anime: Full Metal Alchemist
Song: Anything You Can Do - Annie Get Your Gun
Description: XD!
Grade: A
Link: Greed vs. Envy

Title: Numb (Is There Anybody Out There?)
Anime: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Song: Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
Description: !!!THIS AMV IS ONE GIANT SPOILER!!! Okay? ^_^
Grade: A
Link: Numb (Is There Anybody Out There?)

Title:Naruto's Technique Beat
Anime: Naruto
Song Seizure of Power - Marilyn Manson
Description. O_x;;
Grade: B+
Link: Naruto's Technique Beat


I shall have more in a later post. >_< AMV.org is kicking my ass.

Alright, well.

Hmm... Where to begin....

Well, umm....

Actually, not meh business. Not my place to tell.

I'll tell my point of veiw.

I just died in your arms tonight!
Must've been somthing you said....
I just died in your arms tonight!

Good song. ^_^;

Anywhoo!

Oh! I found a mp3 for Center of the Sun, my favorest song of all time! ^_^

When I close my eyes....
I am at the center of the sun.
And I cannot be hurt,
By anything this wicked world has done.

Yes well, we Cancer's are emotional fucking hurricanes. Thought I'd metion that. ^^;

And 'cause I have Libra acsendent, I tend to fall in love with love. O.o; That's one of the reason's why I get so excided when one of meh friends has or is trying to get a boyfriend and they really seem to sincerly love him, but there are alot of emotional difficultiy's in the way. I try to help as best I can. Especailly someone deserving of a good man. And I absolutly love it when their face lights up with happiness as they find out the good news, that their prey has sucsessfully been captured. Or when they tell me a story about their conquest. It makes me happy to see them happy. And although I can be mislead sometimes.... I really try and sometimes, with all my sagely wisdom, I really don't know what to do. I'm only fourteen of course, and know next to nothing of the real world, but I like to pretend I know everything sometimes. And sometimes, I really feel like I know everything. Like, when I'm giving my friends advice. Sometimes I need alot of advice and I'm too stubborn to say so. And I know I can be too loud and really annoying with my rapid fire apology's.... And I'm sorry for all the things I have done and haven't done for my friends. I try to prod and poke in their lives but all I want is for them to be happy.... That doesn't mean they have to be happy all the time. Sometimes you need to be sad and cry and shit. And sometimes it's good to be lonely and angry and shit. I just don't want them to hold it in or look happy for me.

And sometimes I feel like I need to be happy for them. Sometimes I hate myself so much I look in the mirorr and say "I hate you." And I mutilate myself emotionally. I wish when I fall asleep, that I won't ever have to wake up and face the dawn again.But it's all just waves in my ever rolling sea. I change moods so fast, it's almost like I'm on permanent PMS.

I also, I just love hugs. ^_^; I know my confermation teacher said he's not fond of hugs and I couldn't understand why. I think hugs are what make us humans get closer together. In my opinion, there is nothing better then giving a hug to a friend.

I wanted to tell her she could cry if she wanted to. She looked so sad. I saw her eyes and they were glistened with anger and sadness all at the same time. God, I get so frustrated with myself when I can never say what I want to.

Alright, this is the Tarot reading I gave one of my friends. I shall not give her name, to protect her privacy and shit. But if you figure her out, don't run off and tell everyone. Kay? I'm a beginner at this, so have patience with me.

Card One: Signifier: Page of Cups
The person involved is a young individual. The situation is emotional, involving complicated emotions, and two women after one man.

Card Two, The Question: The High Priestess
The thing the seeker is seeking remains yet to be revealed, thus the question. A large influence of women is involved, encouraging the seeker into a relationship. Seeker may be under pressure to appeal to everyone’s emotions. Seeker should then follow her intuition.

Card Three, The Cross, Bridge and Block: The King of Cups
This man is a person who commands respect. He is kind but ambitious and a skilled negotiator. He is born manipulator, someone who arrived in a position of power by the use of brain as opposed to brawn. He is a seeker of power, with hidden motives, often distrusted or feared by those around him. He is the propelling force in the seeker question, as he is the question. He is leaning toward her however. He also owes the reader of these cards one hundred bucks. Because I told him so.

Card Four, Below You: The Four of Pentacles
The seeker’s influence within her group of friends is quite tremendous. Her force is not needed to achieve law and order, it can be done through negotiation.

Card Five Above You: The Eight of Wands
This position tells us what the seeker is becoming. This card tells us that the seeker should take the initiative. The time and conditions are right for success. Favorable news. This is a card of hope. Things will turn out much better then the conditions at the moment.

Card Six, Behind You:The Knight of Wands (Reversed)
The person that has a bearing on this situation in the immediate past is so enthusiastic it becomes at odds with those around. This person enjoys discord, arguments, strife and trouble just for the sake of it and actively seeks to cause it. Perhaps this card represents the man’s past love, or the one of the seeker’s friends. Both obviously have a hand in this one way or the other.

Card Seven, Before You: The Five of Wands
If things continue as they are now, there will be some inevitable problems that will arouse and possibly an upheaval. Whatever the circumstances, great mental agility and the use of the seeker’s inner mental resources will be needed to triumph.

Card Eight, Who You Are: The Three of Swords
In this position, the Three of Swords is the attitude that the seeker is displaying. The part the seeker is currently playing or the situation as she sees it. The reader of these cards is leaning toward the last bit. What a terrible card to have in this position. This card makes the reader worry about the seeker. The Three of Swords represents sorrow and extreme pain. Upheaval, separation, disruption, and discord are also connected with this card. Of course, there is some hope within this card. The establishment of something better after all the pain.

Card Nine, Where You Are: The Three of Cups (Reversed)
This position describes the atmosphere that the seeker is in and the attitudes of the people around her. Well, this card says that the attitudes around the said seeker are selfish and self indulgent. In also includes loss of happiness, loveless sex, unbridled passion, famine, illness possibly associated with smoking or overeating and such. Keep in mind that these are not directly related to the seeker. They are to the people in contact with the seeker however. The reader of this Tarot is not exactly sure how this affects the seeker in question…

Card Ten, Your Hopes and Fears: The Emperor
This card is what the seeker will hope will happen with the situation, and also what she fears will happen. Supposedly, she hopes to gain a powerful individual and ambition together with the possibility of long term achievement. Perhaps she fears Competitiveness and forcefulness in development and execution. This was a particularly difficult card to read for the reader.

Card Eleven, Final Outcome: The King of Wands (Reversed)
At last we have reached the final card. The final outcome of this situation. This position shows how the current situation is likely to turn out, if the seeker does nothing to change it. Keep in mind though; more people then the seeker are exercising their free will in this and all situations. This man has an inability to understand or appreciate another’s point of view, particularly if they are coming from a lower moral standpoint then his own. His is intolerant, narrow minded and a bigot with deep prejudices. He has a ruthless streak and cares little for the feelings of others. This could refer to someone other then what Card Three depicted. Perhaps this man will get in between the seeker and her King of Cups. Or perhaps, the King of Cups becomes the King of Wands later on. Remember, this is if she does nothing to this situation. I’m sure she will, but this man might get in the way anyway.

Auf weidersehen liebe.

I had just come home from the library when this guy in a white SUV drives into the entrance to the collosack of townhomes, and he calls me over. I shoved the Borders reciept I found on the ground into my pocket and ran over to the car. I thought he was one of the neighbors at first, but he was black and there were no black neighbors living in any of the nearby townhomes. He said hello and asked me if I worked at the hospital in the cities. I told him no and proceded to tell him I was fourteen. He asked me my name and what grade I was in.

"9th and my name is Mary." I didn't tell him my last name. He was starting to sound a little disturbing. I didn't trust him. What really threw me off was the way he chewed on his thumb, he looked awful nervous.
"Oh, nice to meet you Mary." He offered me his hand and I shook it tentativly. He told me his name but I don't remember it, he was speaking so fast.

Then, he asked me if I wanted to be his  friend. Now, I told my mother that I said no, but, I really took pity on him, shruged and said "Sure."

"Okay... So... So you wanna get in the car and go up to the gas station?"

I shook my head. At this point, I was really scared. He told me that he lived around the townhomes and that he would stop by every now and then. He backed up and left.

I ran into the house, swept past Sarah and woke my mother up. I then told her what happened. She called the police and an officer came to question me about it. He said they would keep a look out for whoever the bastard was.

Wait, I'm not done yet.

Today an ambulance came for the neighbor right across from me. I saw her on a stretcher being hauled into the ambulance.

It's not as if I knew her or anything, it was just disturbing seeing her motionless like that....

So, other then that, I'm doing okay. I went to church today, and listened to a fantastic sermon by Pastor Bob. His sermons are always great but this one ment alot to me. It really dealed with being envious and what not. Envy is a disease I cannot seem to get rid of.

Auf weidersehen.

Sex! Ist ein schlact! Sex is a battle,

Liebe ist krieg! Love is a war.

Wollt ihr das bett in flammen sehen? Do you want to see the bed in flames?

Ihr wollt doch aush das blut vom degen lecken! Would you also lick the blood from the knife?

Lick the blood from that knife Kiya.

As you know, we have never really mended our friendship, not that any of us want to. The damage is done. I am just fine with her at a distance.

She still angers me. It's like poison in my chest when I hear she's done something unspeakable. Like cut herself. Or smoke.

Keh.

Kuyo, you have to understand where I'm coming from. Don't be angry with me because I feel this way. She hurt me.

Of course, that's why I am so fond of Envy. I was never good enough for her.

I don't really feel good enough for anyone at the moment. I can't make Kuyo laugh like Kiya can.

Don't worry, this will pass like a wave in my sea. I won't stay this way forever.

However, the poison with Kiya will.

-Herz-

Oh! Oh! I found this kick ass music video of Rei for those that are intrested. ^____^! Here's the link:

Damaged Rei

Yes well.... Anywhooo... >
I'll be in Mayville for my great grandma's birthday this weekend, so if you need anything calll me on meh cell: 612-232-7530.

Luff ya losers!

I took a guess and cut a portion out of my heart
He said that's nowhere close enough but it's a damn good start
I wrote the secret that I buried on the wishing well wall
He said I've seen one... it follows that I've seen them all
We spoke of human destination in a perfect world
Derived the nature of the universe (found it unfulfilled)
As I took him in my arms he screamed
I'm not insane I'm just looking for someone to understand my pain...

So. So you think you can tell. Heaven from hell. Blue skies from pain.

Did you trade your heros in for ghosts? Your hot ashes for trees? Warm air for a cool breeze....

We're... We're just lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl... Year after year....

Oh how I wish... How I wish you were here...

Isn't funny, when the people we admire and love the most tend to hate themselves?

I mean, I'm not laughing or anything.... I just noticed it. How someone could love you so much, yet you hate yourself despite the love you recieve from others.

I do that alot. I think the hardest person to love is yourself.

Yet, one who truly hates themself, cannot love. They can't place their trust in another human being.

It's strange when people say, "I hate myself!" As if the self is another being apart from you. As if there is another entity lurking within the depths of your mind, personifying all the things you hate the most. Turns out though, that shadow is yourself. But it's not a shadow. Our faults are what make us beautiful.

We are all we have... And we can't even learn to like ourselves.


Shinji: But, what are the two of you in my heart?
Rei: We are the hope that people will one day understand each other.
Kaworu: And we are the words, 'I love you.'
Shinji: But that's just a pretense.
A... A selfish belief.
Like some kind of prayer, it can't possibly last forever.
Eventually... I'll be betrayed... They will abandon me.
But, still, I want to see them again.
Because, at the time, I know my feelings were real.